It could be visiting her frequently and driving her to appointments, as he/you have been doing, and taking her out for recreational activities (as opposed to just letting her basically rot in her own filth in her bedroom all day and night). And personally, I think a little sympathy would be more helpful in getting her to think rationally and kindly about the situation than telling her shes being entitled and being a bad person. How did you get them?? It can happen very rapidly, one day everything is fine then the person is injured and in the hospital and when released they are discharged. That contributes to your extreme hatred for your husband. by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. An experienced therapist will offer you strategic ways to communicate with your spouse. Shes the one who asked whether she was wrong for asking her husband to break his promise to care for his mother after they are done needing her free place to live in, and, sorry, but the answer is yeah. Put her in an elderly home already! I told him two weeks ago I don't love him and I just can't stand him. You wont see such a trait when you are courting because he is a good pretender. It does make me think the FIL has a point about her exaggerating safety issues as an excuse to try to get what she wants. That's how the singer-songwriter who died Thursday at the age of 54 referred to her four children, daughters Riley, Finley and Harper . And I can just now stomach pineapple. And I wasnt even the primary care giver! To pay for a home she would need to sell her house. Soooo I think that Husband promised to step in and take care of his mother. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. You respect your partner by recognizing they are different from you through their opinions, experiences, and values. Thats her fault not the MILs. June 18, 2015, 10:27 am. . something random Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. Sorry, but is the MIL is that bad off, she belongs in a place where she can be looked after 24/7 and there senior citizen apartments that have such care that comes with them. When spouses dont respect each other, they stop being responsible. Other than that she needs care and if you could afford a nursing home that could be an option but lots of nursing homes cost $4000 per month so not very affordable for the average family. However, a husband attached to his mother at the hip might be more of a problem. I loved this response! Giving these up takes away some of the excitement from your relationship. Follow along on Facebook, and Instagram. Start by doing the following: The goal is to make your husband understand your feelings and save your marriage. The stress that would put on me every day. @Diablo, I think the comments chiding grown children for not having infinite patience and tolerance for aging parents might hit a nerve for adults who arent as close with their parents or in-laws. Appreciate those gestures by reminding them. Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. This helpfulness demonstrates that he is being a "good spouse.". Plus, she has unhealthy hygiene (like, she only bathes once a week and sometimes does not wash her hands before putting them in shared food like chips or shredded cheese), and she lets her dog, who stays cooped up in her room all day, use puppy pads that she keeps until either my husband and I complain about the smell. It makes sense for the letter writer not to delay graduation or accumulate debt or dip into savings during a temporary situation if they were ultimately planning on living with the MIL, anyway. Also, imagine telling a grandmother that she wont be able to take care of the baby, basically telling her that she is useless. No biggie. Should I Tell My Boyfriend About My Debt?. And yes, some of the LWs examples, like the knife left out on the counter, seem to be overly dramatic. (Right?) I am also very sympathetic with the LW. However, you should check yourself when you start, The Significance and Importance of Forgiveness in a Marriage, We think they have failed and hate them when they dont meet our. Just really need to rant. As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. Seen how she lived and what the conditions were? https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3411865/, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263492646_His_and_her_marriage_expectations_Determinants_and_consequences, https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/how-thoughtful-communication-can-improve-your-marriage-according-divorce-attorney-ncna872661, https://www.researchgate.net/publication/226267616_Dysfunctional_relationship_beliefs_in_marital_conflict, What to do when you dont like your husband, 18 likely reasons why you hate your husband, 5 helpful ways to stop hating your husband, Spice up Your Day With Cute Relationship Memes for Your Partner, The Importance Of Maintaining Healthy Family Relationships, 35 Relationship Goals for Couples & Tips to Achieve Them, 25 Common Marriage Problems Faced by Couples & Their Solutions, 50+ Best Funny Marriage Advice: Finding Humor in Commitment, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. Accept that he can never be the charming prince you see on the television. Seriously. However, after marriage, things change: partners recognize each other better, including advantages and disadvantages. Why do I feel like I hate my husband? The harsh truth is that you have a vague and unrealistic idea of marriage. Stay calm and think it through to evaluate your marriage and save it from crumbling. Some women got attracted to their husbands because of their looks and physical attribute. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action. The best way to show you love your partner is through respect. Whadda hypocrite! The famous statement that, You might hate your husband because of the wrong ideas from. As a writer at Marriage.com, she is a big believer in living consciously and encourages couples to adopt this principle in their lives too. She always signed my birthday cards, but it wasnt legible because she couldnt write. Not knowing what her MIL was going on isnt an excuse to ditch her and move on. June 18, 2015, 1:07 pm. I mean, think about how you would want to be treated by your own children then apply that to your parents or your partners parents. In my minds eye, she was, like jumping on the kitchen center island to demonstrate how to swim the butterfly or something. I just read your comment again. Wow, well I do think this response is pretty harsh. Living with someone who requires a great deal of care who is incapable of caring for themselves, is very hard. Your MIL sounds ill maybe mentally ill, in addition to suffering whatever lasting effects she has from her stroke. That one could be real, it almost happened to me once (not while I was pregnant). )and its very different. If you cant get past why you hate your husband so much, it may be time for you to seek the help of a marriage counselor. Whenever she asks us to do something she always says, Whenever you get the chance, doesnt have to be right now. Yet, if the request isnt fulfilled shortly after, she gets pissy. Hate is a strong word. You do know that years ago it wasnt well known that babies shouldnt have honey, right? Still, it's important not to bad mouth or criticize your in-laws to your spouse. But going this route just doesnt work for the letter writer. Im just saying the tone at which people are responding to the LW is off. LW sounds like she is living in an abusive and unsanitary environment. Everyone has a unique personality encompassing behavior, core values, cultural beliefs, and morals. Free housing! Slooooow clap for Wendy!!! Even if youre overwhelmed and exhausted and hormonal and emotionally drained, the answer is still yeah, its wrong to abandon a loved one who needs care (especially when you no longer need anything from him/her) just because its inconvenient. That is true, she may be overwhelmed. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because you are unhappy with yourself. And I do think there is a contradiction on the part of the LW in accepting support but being unwilling to return it in kind. It could be taking her to get her hair done, helping her clean up after her dog, doing yard work for her, etc. She is not to be left alone for a single second with the baby. Its one thing to say Look, I see youre living in very difficult circumstances, and that the stress of that is probably clouding your judgement. 5. Otherwise, its bound to bring out hatred in one person. June 18, 2015, 8:40 am. June 18, 2015, 10:11 am. Are you happy within yourself? Yesterday, I received an email from a woman who was overcome with negative emotions. And some of your concerns being naked? Now that you are married, you find it challenging to deal with these issues. Its another thing to tell her shes a jerk and entitled. It would be best to intensify your effort to draw your partner closer in marriage. For instance, you can initiate revisiting where you first met each other or go on a vacation to a new place. I was simply upset because my baby was crying. Somewhere along the way, this influenced you to have a dysfunctional view on relationships. However, only attentive partners will care to ask what their partners think. FiL has some nerve lecturing LW about broken promises when he is the one that (presumably) vowed before God to take care of MIL through sickness and in health. Most wives hate their husbands because they hurt or offend them. Just because he couldn't help it, it doesn't mean you are not angry that he had a stroke . Now, my husband has medically retired from the Army and I am a full-time student and mom. It sounds like the son wants to collect her money and provide the care himself. Maybe this means finding a duplex so people can have their own space, or helping MIL downsize to a place that is far more manageable and she can afford a cleaner once or twice a week. He learned this strategy early in childhood, often from a harsh and abusive or guilt-inducing . Also, I saw my mom naked all the time. I think there are plenty of valid reasons grown children might choose to distance themselves from their former parents/ caregivers. On top of all that, she has a bad memory and the worst judgment and I dont want my daughter or newborn to be around her. . I dont know the details of this promise your husband made, but to me, caring for someone can be accomplished in numerous ways. The husband has a responsibility to both children to keep them safe, and that includes not allowing his mother to harm them, even if unintentionally. I understand that you dont feel comfortable allowing her to care for your children. Skyblossom But she did and now I cant help feeling for her, a little bit. If your husband treats you formally and forgets to enjoy your union, you may start hating him. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. Can your husband take over the majority of the care work for the children, including the baby, while also looking after his mother? Also, I dont really like my MIL. June 18, 2015, 2:12 pm. Ive noticed men are careless with how they leave things (even knives) on the counter. Hiring live in care, or convincing your MIL to move to an assisted living center nearby where she can be taken care of by people who are equipped to do so may be the most benefical to everyone, particularly her. Steven Tyler is accused of sexually assaulting a 16-year-old girl in the '70s: 'Victim's' lawsuit claims she is the 'teen bride' in singer's memoir after he convinced her mom to grant him guardianship As a result, you begin to project your fears on your husband and marriage. Effective and intentional communication cant be overemphasized. Check the following practical methods when you dont know what to do when you dislike the man youve married: An excellent way to evaluate the situation is to start asking the questions like, Why am I starting to hate my husband?. can help resolve some of the tension between you and your partner. But straight out choosing to abandon MIL and not worry about it isnt right. Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and failed marriages. It is simply about being able to express your thoughts honestly and openly to your spouse. You complain, complain, complain about everything you have to do for her and how grossed out you are by her and about this horrible promise your husband made to, gasp, care for his ailing mother, but wouldnt you want your kids to show some care for you if you werent able to care for yourself and they were in a position to help out a little? I for one love and respect my son enough that I would never make him feel guilty for living his life. And if you cant afford your own place yet because you and your husband are both unemployed, then TOUGH SHIT. All rights reserved. Telling someone shes a bad person isnt likely to make her take the advice, but reframing the message i in a kinder (but equally blunt) way would make her more likely to take heed. My husband's sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Skyblossom It sounds like she is/will be a loving grandparent who just needs boundaries. It sounds like the MIL is going to need all of her own money so that she can be taken care of. * If your husband doesnt care about your opinion or values but only what matters to him, it will cause a rift between you. Like, angled so that the blade was over the edge of the counter, almost parallel to the counter. For whatever that is worth. And maybe it wouldnt be too hard. And I feel bad that this column is being published right when shes having a baby, but this is when she wrote to me. Talk to your husband about what he means by caring for her. However, dont dwell much on it. Hey MIL, I am a little concerned because of your health problems about the safety of the baby, but Id love if youd help with XYZ when you can and if you want to. How? Understand that many of your expectations before marriage will crumble because living together often shows us their new traits. Do I hope that he still makes time for me and does what he can to help in my hour of need? We expect it to be a. between two individuals in love who are ready to build a home. At the very least, youd think if she cared nothing for the MIL, shed have at least cared enough about her 8-year-old daughter (if not herself) to check out the situation before moving in. So maybe instead of being a jerk shes ill-prepared and panicked. It sounds like LW did not know what she was signing up for when they moved in. Your spouse had children before he or she met you. I think the usual rule with inlaws should be that the blood child is the one who manages the relationship, and I think the husband needs to do a better job managing Moms expectations as well as the LWs. Dont be so damn condescending just because you dont believe in how she parented 30 years ago or whenever. But its nice to have a reminder that these judgements are only taking in account face value circumstances. You probably hate him because he is flawed. Why do I hate my husband? She definitely needs to be called on that. June 18, 2015, 11:02 am. Life is unpredictable, and marriage is full of surprises. That would help a lot with the hygiene. She got in way over her head. I was thinking the same about the honey thing. Im sure she *wants* to do those things, like take care of herself and clean her house, but she physically *cant*. Dear Wendy I respect Wendys response, but I think that it may have been too harsh and too quick to judge. It will complicate your marriage more. What do I mean? Ive seen some wonderfully compassionate but at the same time get-your-shit-together blunt responses to folks who needed to be knocked upside the head multiple times, and Im not sure why those morons deserve the compassion but this lady does not. Since the husband was coming out of the military I dont think they had much chance to see how the MIL was living and how she had changed. honeybeenicki With your spouse, you need to be more intentional. I cant believe how willing you are to drop her without any support vs. setting up support from afar. Its really not that hard. Yes, she needs to reframe this and not leave her MIL out to dry, but FFS, shes pregnant and stressed and dealing with a horrible situation. Being an older person, she must have a lot of wisdom to share and the LW isnt accepting that. Yes, it is if he refuses to reciprocate the love and gesture. Unless she like nailed the knife to the counter and booby trapped the kitchen Indiana Jones style, Im pretty sure you were just annoyed it was left out, which is reasonable, but jesus. She was conscious and present, but she physically had difficulty even just doing that. i hate my husband because of his mother santa margherita chianti classico 2014 intertops sports betting i hate my husband because of his mother May 10, 2022 Not sure what youre talking about. LW Ive been trying to come up with a compassionate response all morning. Of course its not a good idea to leave knives sitting out, especially with a child in the home but even if she ran right into the blade of a loose knife, it would have just slid over or gotten knocked off the counter. what were you doing on the counter?) It really puts her in a terrible light, in my opinion. Someone left the knife on the counter with the blade sticking out. And honestly if a post stroke victim is living in shitty conditions maybe you can be a little more compassionate? While I can appreciate how stressed and overwhelmed she is, I absolutely think shes acting with a kind of entitlement and lack of compassion that needs to be called out. He has directly told me that Im simply hormonal and Im just using my childrens safety as an excuse to get my way. "I Hate that My Husband Takes Care of His Mother" In the beginning, I absolutely adored my MIL and had no worries about the promise my husband had made (long before I knew him) to always take care of her because she had a stroke several years earlier. He doesn't work on the relationship. Marriage brings two individuals in love together. You might say, I hate my husband, because he has hurt you a lot in the past. To begin with, when you hate your husband, it doesnt necessarily mean you have no feelings for them anymore. How come you suddenly dislike your husband or slowly hating my husband? June 18, 2015, 4:50 pm. I will add that I dont think it is wise to buy a house she cant afford. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. Another way to stop hating your spouse is to remember the good old days. One such situation might make you say, I hate my husband. The first step to solving this problem is knowing why you cant see eye-to-eye with your spouse. I know its tempting to ask how the hell did LW get herself into this situation?, but the more important question is how to get out of it. Know that youre not alone in this struggle, there are support groups for family members of stroke victims (try an internet search) It might be worth checking them out to get ideas from others in your situation about what they have done for care of their relatives when problem solving deficits are leading to unsafe living conditions. April 1, 2017, 12:51 pm. Also, my entire job is trying to mitigate or prevent the self-neglect you describe. And she is still getting a free place to live and wants to continue getting a free place to live and not move out right now, until she gets a job. But she married her husband and he comes with her mother. Not only does she sound like a danger to her grandchildren or anyone else living with her, which youve made clear is your concern, she is a danger to herself. Or is he open to other ideas that wouldnt require your family live with her but instead using some of Wendys ideas? Thank her for her suggestions and make your own decisions as a parent. This is because this attitude of his not only spoils the mood of the people around him but it is also not the same as before. Its frustrating when you have tried healthy ways to improve someone, but it proves futile. Its really easy to theorize what it is like taking care of a wacko (through no fault of their own). The long-estranged FILs statement that the sons promise is the LWs promise is utter horseshit. Why was that? Accepting that fact will save you from getting worried. If you really can't get on with their family and are no longer on speaking terms, allow your partner to continue their relationship with them on. Oh, I have no doubt shes overwhelmed. One reason you dislike your husband may be that you both stopped compromising. Im an not saying she should get the thumbs up to just move out and leave her MIL as is. It sounds like she has some assets so she probably would need to private pay but check out disability/elderly services with your county to see if there are local community based options to try and take some of the weight off of the caregiving which may make it more tolerable or help connect you with a care center for her if she is too unwell to live on her own again with sometimes help. June 18, 2015, 9:37 am. Are you stressed, frustrated, overwhelmed, or confused? But who among us isnt? He blames you for the problems in your relationship. You dont get to complain about the free place youve been crashing in for however many months, no matter how much deep cleaning you had to do to make it livable. Not true. It can pave the way for a better relationship. I just can't deal with my mil. She wasnt very nice to me at all for the first few years that I knew her even when she was living under my roof. But how many people here have actually taken care of an ungrateful, belligerent, careless, angry (through no fault of their own) in-law for years on end? Learning what to do when you hate your spouse involves limiting your exposure to crashed and, 7 Ways to Feel Better When Someone Hurts You, When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? Raccoon eyes What Lies Do to a Marriage? Learn what to do when you dont like your husband in the following: 13 Tips on What to Do if You Dislike Your Spouse, ? Why do I feel like my husband hates me? June 18, 2015, 11:47 am. It sounds like she may have lasting effects from her stroke (judgment issues, memory issues, etc) and who knows, maybe she has other issues as well. I dont hate my MIL but we will never be close. But when my husband made the promise to always care for his mother, he wasnt married, didnt have a step-child or a brand new baby on the way. June 18, 2015, 10:36 am. That could have been her husband too, though. Get her somewhere with regular care or take care of her, just quit using her for her money. LOL about the almost impaled my pregnant belly on a knife comment. When you hate your husband so much, could there be another person? All Im saying, a lot of this responses are piling on the LW and telling her to have sympathy for her MIL (which is true, she needs to find that and take on a more compassionate view of the situation) while at the same time being pretty unsympathetic to what the LW is going through. I have compassion for both LW and her MIL. Actually, as much as I love my own mother I would rather move her into an assisted living than allow her to abuse and berate my husbandI made vows to my husband not my mother. Duplex is a great idea. And if Id been pregnant, I definitely would have run into it. You may have your husband because there are underlying differences you refused to settle. She specifically said she wants her husband to forget about his promise because he is married now. I read it too quickly the first time and thought you wrote Not that I think you have experienced instead of not that I think you have to have experienced It changed the whole tone. You know- where folks can get an apartment-type setup, but they can get the level of help they need- be it someone to clean once a week or day or to help them get to appointments or take meds or whatever. And you really need to discuss with your husband how he can fulfill his promise to take care of his mother without sacrificing your nuclear familys safety and comfort. Was she not in touch with the woman? Giving care is one thing. My mom gave me a teaspoon of sugar for hiccups, and I certainly did not have a sugar addiction, in fact, I didnt like overly sweet things or soda or icing when I was a kid. A man who is close to his mother is not a mother's boy in a negative way. Ill graduate in a few days and have been applying to jobs that will hopefully hire me shortly after my baby is born so that we wont need any of her finances. My FIL (who has been divorced from my MIL for over 40 years) says hes on our side but that my husband made a promise to his mother and that makes it my promise too. June 18, 2015, 10:57 am. I think it is important the letter writer is honest with herself and her husband about this before they commit to buying a house. So, get your own place. When you hate your husband so much, the reason could be because. How Did You Decide Whether to Have Another Baby? Hopefully your children treat you better when you are your MILs age than youre treating your MIL. What am I presuming about you exactly? We have been together for about 13 years, married for 3. It sounds like they are all (MIL included) living in pretty shitty conditions. Marriage is an exciting experience for most people. Its not easy, but its necessary. But if he was already heading for a discharge I fully agree. They can force you to question your love and your marriage. She doesnt live with us anymore and I never reach out to her. Our first responsibility is ALWAYS to our minor children. Love is what we expect in a marriage, so a dislike for our spouse makes us anxious and stressed. June 18, 2015, 10:02 am. Like LW has to be held responsible for a promise her husband made in his youth before he had the life experience to understand the possible ramifications. Thankfully, this article has done a great job highlighting common reasons wives hate their husbands and what they can do. My parents didnt and dont see what they were doing. However, you will stop hating your husband when you acknowledge your role in the situation. 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